pursue with desperation

For the past few weeks, one of the things that the pastor has talked about is depending on God instead of your "context". We tend to gravitate toward the contexts we are comfortable in, but when we are comfortable in them, we rely on those surroundings for our strength. When we are uncomfortable, we realize that it is God that strengthens us and not our surroundings. When we draw our strength and confidence from God instead of the context that life has us in, we can derive real peace and contentment no matter where we are. God has put us each in our situations for a reason. He wants us to serve him now, in the place he has put us, and not wait for the stars to align and our situation to be perfect. He is all the perfection we need.

I definitely gravitate toward "comfortable." Actually, I think "gravitate" is too weak of a word: "pursue with desperation" fits my style better. I am the poster child for letting my surroundings affect my sense of confidence and contentment. I constantly, constantly look around for something better. Something that I think fits my idea of perfect. Something that makes me feel calm and peaceful. Something that feels like home.

When we attended this church for the first time, and I heard the pastor speak on this topic, I was smack in the middle of stressing myself out over where we were going to move when our lease was up. Never mind that our lease isn't up until MARCH (I'm a planner, what can I say). I was panicking because of all the places we had explored that were within reasonable distance of school and work, none of them felt like they could be home for me. Some were too busy, others were too boring, some didn't have enough parks, others had negative reputations that I agonized over. Where would we POSSIBLY be able to find that could become our home for the next few years?

My heart recognizes several "homes." Richland and the surrounding Tri-Cities will always be at the center of who I am. SPU has taken a large chunk of my heart, even though I gave it up quite reluctantly, and West Virginia stole away an unexpectedly large piece that I didn't even know I had allowed to be removed. And when I think of home, those three places call out to me in a way that vibrates my whole self. It is as if the remainder of my heart longs to be reunited with the pieces it has left along the way.

But although I want so badly to find a place that calls out to me in the way that those do, it won't happen. I don't think a place can call out to you until you have spent some time there and left something of yourself in it. A place isn't a home by its very qualities, but by the life that you live there. As much as I wish it were, life isn't about going back and picking up the pieces so your heart can be whole again.

I am beginning to realize that life only has meaning when you let your heart be broken into a million pieces, and you let those pieces fall where they may.

Though I want something comfortable, I am learning that being uncomfortable doesn't take away any of my strength, or my peace, or my joy. Those things aren't dependent on my surroundings. My strength, my peace, and my joy come from the God who walks with me each day.

The "place" I am at may not be perfect when compared to my list of wants. But God has me here for a purpose, and until I stop trying to find greener pastures, I will never be able to serve in the way He is calling me. So I have resolved to let my mind, my heart, and my self be here for the time being. And once I look around, there is a lot to be thankful for-- right here, right now.