late night questions

What does it sound like to be called by God?

When am I "grown up"?

What's the difference between following God and following myself?

How do I become a better listener?

Why do I want to go back to a place with desert, rattlesnakes, wind, and very few trees?

Will I be a good dog owner?

Will I ever figure anything out?

Is it possible to learn to live in confusion?

Why does my foot twitch sometimes?

Will I ever pay off my student loans?

Will I ever have a stable, full-time job?

Do I need a stable, full-time job?

What do I really need? I mean, really?

Why is chocolate milk so great?

Why do I do these things to myself?

Why are airplanes so loud?

Why did we choose to live next to an airport?

What will I feel like when this quarter is over?

What does God think about all of this?

Is God even still listening?

trying

I think I am beginning to realize that what I have wanted to do all along is something that I never believed I could actually do.

I thought about it, even attempted it once, but ultimately bowed out because there was no way I could fulfill my dreams. There was no way I could be good. This thing resided in the realm of "things I simply cannot do, end of discussion." Really, I'm not sure why this has always been so. But it has.

There is a reason that I gravitate toward certain movies and books. Of course I don't expect real life to perfectly mimic what I see and read, but they do contain unmistakable elements of truth. It is that truth that inspires me. I want my own life to embody that truth.

What if, even though I am afraid that I will fail, I do it anyway?

What if I try?

And what if I actually make it happen?

Inspiration

I love etsy.com. If you aren't familiar with the website, Etsy is basically an online marketplace where people can open "stores" to sell their art, clothing, vintage finds, etc. Anyone can open a shop on etsy, so it is a great place to find independent artists that are often just starting out. There are some incredible things on there! Last night, I think I found 5 different pieces of art and jewelry that I wanted to buy. But since I can't buy all of them-- or really, any of them at the moment-- I wanted to share some of my favorites with you:

Is it weird that I love a drawing of vegetables? I can totally see it hanging in my kitchen (that is, whenever I get a kitchen with actual wall space). Tommy Kane is so insanely good at what he does. Go check out the rest of his artwork. Incredible.

Then there's brainiac, the art of Matt Stephens. I LOVE his illustration style. He is so incredibly imaginative and talented. This piece is new to his shop, and I think it is so sweet.

I had to pick this one too, because of its title: "The Abernathy family was happy yet a little surprised that Humbert the rare red sweater wearing elephant was out for viewing."

Enough said.

I'm in love with this necklace from MiaBeads. The shop also has some hairpins that I really want! I like her vintage, timeless, but fun style.

Then there's this gocco print from cosas minimas. We have four of her other prints hanging above our couch, and they make me smile every day. I think her art is one of my all time favorites.

Finally, my favorite. I love this print from corid. I love the green, and I kinda want to live in one of those treehouses.

happiness vs. joy

I was having a great morning. The sun was shining, the caffeine had kicked in and I was feeling grandly optimistic about work, and traffic wasn't so bad.

Then, Spirit 105.3 ruined it.

I have been trying to have more patience with Christian radio stations, and for the most part I think I've been doing okay. However, one comment made by one of the hosts ("radio personalities?") made me so angry that even the caffeine-fueled optimism retreated with its tail between its legs.

"You know, I've just found myself in a low-grade depression lately," the bubbly host said, "which I know is just so not Christian. I mean, we're supposed to be happy and joyful in all things!"

She's lucky I didn't choke on my mini-wheats and cause a major accident on I-5.

In all seriousness, I was angry because she had just voiced what I think is one of the most dangerous stereotypes in Christianland: Depression = Heathens, Happy all the time = Christian. Because we believe in Jesus, we must always be happy. There is no excuse for depression. If you are depressed, then something is wrong with you-- or, even worse, something is wrong with your walk with God.

No. First of all, no one is happy all the time. Christians are often criticized for being "fake" precisely because they try to act like they are always happy, and the rest of the world knows that just isn't possible. Depression is a real issue. For some it is biological, and for others it arrives because of life circumstances. Either way, it is a real beast to be battled. As someone who has had depression touch my life in a number of ways, I get very offended when it is suggested that depression isn't "Christian." I believe that God is with me even when I feel depressed. I believe that my faith has helped me when everything seems to difficult to handle. I believe that in the midst of my struggle with life and myself, when I don't know where to go or what to do, when life just seems heavy, I believe that God is standing beside me, giving me strength and light and life. He doesn't condemn me or cast me out because I am lacking in joy and happiness.

"Happy" is not a Biblical value. It is "Joy" that receives Fruit of the Spirit status. When the word "happy" appears in the Bible, it is as a result of a situation. Something happened that made the people happy. Yet when it speaks of Joy, it speaks of something that grows deep in your soul. Something that is there because of your relationship with Jesus. Joy is sustaining, joy is deep, joy is eternal. It is a fruit of the Spirit-- that is, Joy is a product of God within you.

Joy is something that develops and is arrived at. It is the goal.

I don't think that Jesus would label someone as not loving him who is wrestling with the issues in their lives in a very painful, very real way. He isn't in the business of kicking people out who haven't yet reached the goal. The issue is our relationship with Him. If we are truly seeking God, truly listening and communicating and obeying, then questions and struggles and pain can be just as strong an evidence of faith as constant joyfulness is.

pursue with desperation

For the past few weeks, one of the things that the pastor has talked about is depending on God instead of your "context". We tend to gravitate toward the contexts we are comfortable in, but when we are comfortable in them, we rely on those surroundings for our strength. When we are uncomfortable, we realize that it is God that strengthens us and not our surroundings. When we draw our strength and confidence from God instead of the context that life has us in, we can derive real peace and contentment no matter where we are. God has put us each in our situations for a reason. He wants us to serve him now, in the place he has put us, and not wait for the stars to align and our situation to be perfect. He is all the perfection we need.

I definitely gravitate toward "comfortable." Actually, I think "gravitate" is too weak of a word: "pursue with desperation" fits my style better. I am the poster child for letting my surroundings affect my sense of confidence and contentment. I constantly, constantly look around for something better. Something that I think fits my idea of perfect. Something that makes me feel calm and peaceful. Something that feels like home.

When we attended this church for the first time, and I heard the pastor speak on this topic, I was smack in the middle of stressing myself out over where we were going to move when our lease was up. Never mind that our lease isn't up until MARCH (I'm a planner, what can I say). I was panicking because of all the places we had explored that were within reasonable distance of school and work, none of them felt like they could be home for me. Some were too busy, others were too boring, some didn't have enough parks, others had negative reputations that I agonized over. Where would we POSSIBLY be able to find that could become our home for the next few years?

My heart recognizes several "homes." Richland and the surrounding Tri-Cities will always be at the center of who I am. SPU has taken a large chunk of my heart, even though I gave it up quite reluctantly, and West Virginia stole away an unexpectedly large piece that I didn't even know I had allowed to be removed. And when I think of home, those three places call out to me in a way that vibrates my whole self. It is as if the remainder of my heart longs to be reunited with the pieces it has left along the way.

But although I want so badly to find a place that calls out to me in the way that those do, it won't happen. I don't think a place can call out to you until you have spent some time there and left something of yourself in it. A place isn't a home by its very qualities, but by the life that you live there. As much as I wish it were, life isn't about going back and picking up the pieces so your heart can be whole again.

I am beginning to realize that life only has meaning when you let your heart be broken into a million pieces, and you let those pieces fall where they may.

Though I want something comfortable, I am learning that being uncomfortable doesn't take away any of my strength, or my peace, or my joy. Those things aren't dependent on my surroundings. My strength, my peace, and my joy come from the God who walks with me each day.

The "place" I am at may not be perfect when compared to my list of wants. But God has me here for a purpose, and until I stop trying to find greener pastures, I will never be able to serve in the way He is calling me. So I have resolved to let my mind, my heart, and my self be here for the time being. And once I look around, there is a lot to be thankful for-- right here, right now.

cuke update and a PSA

Oh boy, it has been quite a while since I have posted anything. You see, it got hot here-- REALLY hot-- and pretty much all I wanted to do is lay down in front of the fan. That's all you can do, actually, when your apartment is 95 degrees because you don't have AC. Then I got busy. Then I got sick. And therefore, I have plenty of excuses for my blogging absence.

Anyways, BIG NEWS: We picked our first cucumber from our garden today! Normally I would have taken a picture, but I'm sick, you see, so I didn't want to go through all that effort. And then we ate it. So you'll just have to imagine what it looked like.

And now for a Public Service Announcement: You must make these cinnamon rolls right now. They do not use yeast, so they don't have to rise before baking. Because of the wonder of baking powder, they are much quicker to make than traditional cinnamon rolls. I made them for Ryan and I this morning, and they are so easy that even though I was sick and in a semi-fog from medicine, they managed to come out really well. Mom, you would really like these-- I thought they tasted like Cinnibons! They are much flakier and less bready than other cinnamon rolls I've had. One note to the recipe I linked to-- the directions say to roll each dough piece into a 2 by 10 inch rectangle. I did that, and they came out rather tall and fell over during baking. They came out looking more like sea cucumbers than cinnamon rolls! I would suggest rolling them out skinnier and longer so they are fatter and shorter.

Alright, I'm off to watch Sister Act. Gosh, I love this movie.

sunburns and fruit: two different "crisps"

Okay. It was sunny for a grand total of 40 minutes while I was outside today, and of course, I got sunburned. How does that even happen? If someone invents an injection I can get that will deliver sunscreen directly into my veins, I will gladly overcome my fear of needles to get it.

I made a dessert the other night that is quite possibly one of my favorite new things to make. I loved it so much that I made it again three nights later when we had our friend Bob come over. Bob liked it to, so it must have been a hit. It was based on a recipe found at Good Things Catered, but I couldn't find any cranberries so I used raspberries instead. It was amazing! I also cut down on the amount of sugar listed in the recipe, since raspberries are not as tart as cranberries and I didn't need so much to balance them out. Three tablespoons is a LOT of sugar. I don't like things that sweet, anyway. Oh man, I want to make it again RIGHT NOW.

Yum.

Here's the recipe, with my adjustments.

Apple Raspberry Crunch

Ingredients:

2 c. raspberries (I didn't measure, I just used the whole little container from the grocery store.)

2 Granny Smith apples, cored and diced

1 Tbsp granulated sugar (You could use more if you really wanted it sweeter)

1 c. oats

1/2 c. brown sugar

1/4 c. whole wheat flour

1 tsp. cinnamon

8 tbsp butter (1 stick), chilled

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees and spray an 8 x 8 baking dish with baking spray

2. In medium bowl, combine raspberries, apples, and sugar, and (gently) toss to combine. Spread in baking dish.

3. In another bowl, combine the oats, brown sugar, flour, and cinnamon.

4. Cut butter into small pieces and add to dry ingredients. With pastry blender (I just used a fork and knife. It worked.), cut butter into dry ingredients until all of the butter is in chunks about the size of a small pea. I wasn't super precise with this and it still turned out fine.

5. Sprinkle this mixture evenly over the fruit.

6. Place in oven and bake for 35-40 minutes, or until apples are tender. Remove from oven and cool for 10 minutes, then eat!